(This Swedish family that has been talking down their nose at me all week just yelled at me because their car is 7 minutes late to pick them up. Lots of “In Sweden when we do something, we do it properly.” and “This is not acceptable to us.” Right after the driver arrived, their adult daughter came up to me.)
DAUGHTER: My boyfriend has bought a tiny gun. Is problem for plane?
CONCIERGE: I’m sorry, what?!
DAUGHTER: He bought a small gun. Is not real, but…
(He holds it up. It’s smaller than a pistol, but it’s painted to look pretty convincingly real.)
CONCIERGE: No. You absolutely cannot bring that on board a plane.
DAUGHTER: But it is fake. A toy.
CONCIERGE: TSA regulations state that toy guns are not allowed past security, and painting a fake gun to look real is illegal in New York City.
SON: (decked out in head-to-toe Ed Hardy, leaning sexily on an ottoman) Yo, is no problem. Chilllll.
DAUGHTER: It is only a toy.
CONCIERGE: You absolutely cannot bring that with you. You could get pulled out of the security line and miss your flight.
SON: Noooo, mannn, we just hide it.
CONCIERGE: Purposefully hiding it is a worse idea. You could get arrested.
(Boyfriend is playing with the gun, going “pow pow” at his girlfriend’s back. The driver is now loading their luggage into the car.)
SON: Just put it in her purse. Is fine.
DAUGHTER: (to me) Is fine?
CONCIERGE: Is not fine.
DAUGHTER: But he bought it at a flea market.
CONCIERGE: Ma’am, I do not recommend trying to fly out of a New York City area airport with a realistic-looking toy gun hidden in your purse.
DAUGHTER: Okay. So we just leave it here with you?
DAUGHTER: We can leave here on table?
DAUGHTER: We throw in garbage?
CONCIERGE: Honestly, I’m not sure what is the best thing to do in this situation.
SON: Look, we tell you is fine. My friend buys Airsoft AK-47’s in the US all the time. They look fucking real as shit. All that shit is okay.
DAUGHTER: So, is okay, yes?
CONCIERGE: No. I am not accepting any liability for what happens at security.
DAUGHTER: We just hide it. We go now, thank you!
(As they get into the van, Boyfriend decides the best course of action is to STICK THE TOY GUN IN HIS WAISTBAND LIKE HE HAS PROBABLY SEEN IN A MUSIC VIDEO.)
CONCIERGE: Man oh man.
(The band ABBA appears out of nowhere)
ABBA: You mean “Mamma Mia!”